The Word we Don't Say
by LightlessFallenAngel
Summary: During the next Grand Prix, Yuuri is trying not to let his traumatic experience inconvenience anyone. That doesn't stop the people that care for him from worrying. Warnings: PTSD / Rape Recovery


Ok, I can't believe it is finally over. The last five days I have been doing nothing but writing this. It was one of these things that get stuck in your head and let you do nothing else? That. My family was asking why I was being so quiet. How do you explain a writer's rush?  
I am a little stressed to post this, because this is the first time I write for such a popular fandom, but I really enjoyed doing this and I wanted to share it.. I didn't publish this chapter by chapter and waited to finish it first because knowing me, scenes would continue being added and it would go on forever and never end.

I hope you enjoy!

Some warnings:I am not a native speaker and this is un-betaed. So… Sorry for that. Also I have never before written romance so… Heh, well. Yeah. Have fun!

* * *

 **The Word we Don't Say**

"I hope you are enjoying your privileges"

Yuuri chuckled at how frustrated Viktor sounded at the end of the line.

"It is not my fault. I didn't do the draws... I thought you were proud of me?"

"Of course I am! But a ticket to the finals and you get the day off? Who gave it to you anyway? I am your coach!"

"I don't have the day off, Viktor. I did my training this morning" Yuuri hurried to protest "Remember the person you distracted from their own routine to dance with? That was me. And you did tell me I could call it a day" he poked the ice-cubes around his juice with the straw, smiling to himself "Are you just bitter I left you at Yakov's mercy?"

"Nah… But I wouldn't mind some support. Just listen!" from the sound of it, Victor changed the direction of his phone, and while Yuuri couldn't understand the Russian conversation taking place in the distance, he could tell it was a heated one. He easily recognized Yakov's and Yuri's voices, having grown accustomed to both in the last year and he could even picture their expressions.

There was the sound of blades hitting the ice and then Yuri's voice spat out a curse that Viktor had refused to translate in the past, when he attempted a jump that failed.

"Yurio! Language!" Viktor chastised, sounding scandalized, before bringing the phone back to his ear "If you pass by his room, check where he dropped his patience. Because it is certainly not here"

"Ok, I will" reassured the dark haired. Viktor could tell from the tone how amused Yuuri was.

"And walk Makkachin, cause I will probably be stuck here for a while" Yuuri heard Viktor's name being called, followed by something else in Russian. Viktor gave a cheerful reply to his coach "Oh Yakov~ He's so delightful. I have to go, I'll see you tonight, Yuuri. Love you"

"Love you too" the call ended and Yuuri decided to kill some time by browsing through Instagram. The cafeteria of their hotel was pretty empty at this hour and the music was soft. It was relaxing after the stress of the competition in France, but at least it had sealed his place in the finals of this year's Grand Prix.

It had been really troublesome that all three of them had been assigned in different events though and the traveling had been exhausting. They couldn't even split up since Viktor was his coach as well as a competitor and even Yuri had to stay around, with Yakov coaching him and Viktor. Poor man had claimed that this GP would be the end of him. Even like this though, he wouldn't go easy on Victor or Yuri.

Yuri was most certainly going to seal his own place to the finals with this event and then Victor would do the same in Japan. They had both done greatly so far and Viktor even got to be the greatest in Russia once more, but to make sure the three of them climbed the podium in the finals, they had to keep training.

"Yuuri Katsuki?"

Yuuri looked up from a selfie of Chris, to find an excited blond, around his age watching him with adoration. He smiled politely, recognizing by now the behavior of a fan when he was approached by one and doing better after the whole Minami incident.

"Hello"

The man blushed, his grin widening "Hi. It's the first time I see you off the ice! Could I possibly have a photo with you? I'm a big fan"

"I appreciate it. Of course" Yuuri glanced as tactfully as he could behind the man. Usually a fan attracted another and most skaters ended swamped before they realized it. But the corridor was thankfully clean. No matter how much he appreciated his fans, a little time in peace was a rare thing these days.

"Thank you so much!" the young man was radiating with excitement as he leaned next to Yuuri to take the photo. He stared at his screen with adoration once it was done "Um. I don't want to overstep my boundaries. But, could I possibly have one with your hair down? I think it was the best change in your appearance since last year"

Yuuri looked a little taken aback as he undid his ponytail. The length was similar to Yurio's by now and it had generally gotten positive remarks from the audiences, even if personally he reminded himself of his sister the way they styled it for his program. Only a few of Viktor's biggest fans had complained that Yuuri wasn't satisfied of just stealing their idol, he tried to steal his image and copy his glory. Viktor had joked that he was surprised people weren't saying these things for Yurio too, seeing as he was in many levels more similar to him than Yuuri.

After taking the second selfie with him, the young man looked through them, grinning "You look wonderful. And you are so nice too! I had heard about it, but… Well, you know what they say about meeting your idols" he shrugged with a sheepish smile.

Yuuri chuckled and shrugged "I have met a few of my idols; I can say that you can never be sure"

His eyes sparkled with curiosity "Have you met other of your idols? Other than Nikiforov I mean"

"I have had the chance to meet a couple more famous skaters. Of course, Viktor was always my biggest idol. But I met a few other big names, both male and female. Even a few retired prodigies that have taken on other fields like coaching, choreographing or designing"

"Ah, speaking of, the new outfits are wonderful. I especially liked the one in your Short program, better than last year's"

The dark haired took a sip from his refreshment, nodding. He mentally slapped himself at his rudeness, but the other's enthusiasm didn't seem to falter at his non-verbal response.

"I was excited that they were tailored for you this year. Not that Nikiforov's one didn't look good on you, but the outfit gives you more of your own identity when they are made specifically for you. I can't wait to see the next one, as well as your other choreography of course"

Yuuri was never too certain where the line was drawn between a fan and a borderline stalker. As the young man kept blabbering, Yuuri noted that he was well informed… Like… A little too well. On the other hand, it wasn't like he hadn't been a little obsessed, to the point of digging out details and reading most articles on Viktor's life, himself. Plus the tabloids didn't miss a chance to add details on his own life, so he guessed the other's knowledge was to be expected judging on the devotion he showed. Maybe it was common among his fans, he didn't know. He rarely spoke with any of them, leaving his coaches to do the talking.

By the time the other stopped talking, Yuuri was left playing with the remains of the ice cubes at the bottom of his glass and he had pretty much dazed off and lost track of what he was hearing.

"-And Nikiforov's fans have been really unfair to you. I can't believe that even after your weddi-... Are you alright?"

Yuuri blinked a couple of times, but his focus failed to return.

"Um…" he straightened up in his chair, regretting it immediately, as he was hit by a strong headache, hand in hand with a wave of nausea, as if it was revenge of the movement he attempted. Gritting his teeth he put his face in his hands, hoping to stabilize the sudden disturbance.

"Yuuri? Is everything ok? Do you want me to call someone?" he felt a brush through his hair, as someone crouched beside him.

He attempted a reply, but with every passing second, the fog forming in his head was thickening. Finally he managed to utter something along the lines of "My head…" which couldn't be very useful. He had to find something better, but the more important information were sinking away from his reach.

"Oh... What's your room number? I'll escort you"

With some difficulty he fished his room key from his pocked. There was no way he could remember the number at his state.

"Ok, we can work with that. Come on"

The other man launched Yuuri's arm over his shoulders and hoisted him to his feet. Yuri was impressed he didn't collapse instantly. In fact, his feet were almost stable as they walked through the hotel. Finally they stopped outside his door and the blond struggled for a while to unlock, while holding onto Yuuri until it clicked open and they walked in.

An alarm had been beeping for a while at the back of Yuuri's brain, but the buzzing of his ears was canceling it out. Now, it was noticeably louder, when Makkachin didn't appear to welcome him. The headache was insufferable so he had to do a double take to realize that, while similar, the arrangement of his room was still different than this one.

He froze in his tracks feeling his blood go cold but he had already crossed the door and he heard it click shut.

* * *

As Viktor had said, it was night by the time he and Yuri made their way back to the hotel.

Yuri rubbed his shoulder growling loudly as he stomped ahead of Viktor "I swear to God-"

"What? It was the rink's fault?" Viktor was pretty tired himself, but he couldn't help the smile at the younger's tantrum. Teasing him never got old "It's ok. Remember last year? Yuuri hit on the wall too"

"I AM BETTER THAN THAT! DON'T YOU DARE COMPARE US!" Yuri pointed at Viktor accusingly at his proclamation, cursing loudly, as his shoulder started to hurt again at the way he was thrashing about. Viktor just kept smiling, knowing full well that no matter what he said or did, Yuri held deep respect for Yuuri. After a year of the three of them working so close he had learnt how the two Yuris functioned.

"You should be more careful. I don't think you can enter the Grand Prix with broken bones"

"Pffff…"

They were closing in to their rooms, when Victor heard the scratching and whining coming from his.

"Makkachin?" he rushed to unlock and the dog bolted outside, his owner barely catching him by the collar "Oi oi, what's the rush?"

The poodle whined, with the tail between its legs, making a few movements Viktor recognized "Oh, he needs to go out"

"Wasn't the stupid Katsudon supposed to walk him?" Yuri, who had been on his way to his own room next to theirs, came back and grabbed the leash from inside, attaching it to the collar.

"Yuuri?" Viktor called from the door, but didn't receive an answer. He and the blond traded a glance and Yuri shrugged, giving in to Makkachin's desperate tugs.

"I'll go walk him" he announced and took off.

Viktor's eyebrows furrowed as he walked into the room, calling for Yuuri once more. Again, there was no reply. A brief search indicated that the Japanese skater wasn't there. By the looks of it, after cleaning up from his practice, and tidying the room, Yuuri hadn't returned.

Frowning even further, the grey haired pulled out his phone and dialed his husband, trying to keep himself from worrying just yet. Every unanswered beep at the end of the line though fed a building up panic. The line went dead after not getting answered, and he tried once again, walking over to the room's phone, about to call the reception desk as well, in case Yuuri left a message.

"This way, you stupid floof!" Yuri's voice echoed through the corridor "Your. Room. Is. Right. There! …There you go" hissed the blond and after a moment he appeared at the still open door of Victor's room, struggling to handle the dog who was unwilling to sit still yet. He closed after entering and unattached the leash from Makkachin who instantly launched itself at his human.

Yuri watched his mentor under his fringe, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, waiting patiently as the other changed phones.

Just as Victor was about to press the auto call for the hotel's reception, his mobile phone pinged, signaling a message.

Victor's face found its color again, when he saw Yuuri's name on the screen, and almost dropped the device at his hurry to open the text message.

"Is it the idiot?" demanded the blond "What is he saying?"

"He is at Phichit's place" he said with a relieved smile as he tossed the phone at the younger and turned his attention to his pet. Yuri on the other hand, once more showed off his rich knowledge at his R rating worthy dictionary as he grasped at the phone flying at him.

"Warn me next time!" he panted.

OnMyLove said:

 _'Sorry I left without a warning! Phichit had a food poisoning. Nothing major, but I don't want to leave him and Ji alone, so I'll stay here for the night. He is sleeping now and I can't talk. He should be fine by tomorrow; I'll see you at training. Bring my skates, please. I am so sorry I didn't walk Makkachin; I had to leave pretty quickly. Hope he is ok. Tell Yura I said goodnight'_

Yuri's shoulders relaxed, turning to Viktor "Do you freak out like that, every time he is out of your sight?" he raised an eyebrow. Or maybe both, you can never know since one isn't visible regardless.

Viktor smiled at him, resting his chin on top of the dog's head, while ruffling through its fur "I think this was the shortest walk Makkachin ever had"

The blonds' face color changed to a deeper shade.

"Your boyfriend neglects your dog. He was about to burst!"

"Yuuri apologized"

The blond dropped into the couch and brought up his own mobile phone, tapping through it aggressively.

Viktor guessed that meant he wouldn't be alone for the night after all.

* * *

Otabek was confident he could get a high enough rating to be in the final six, probably by being second to Yuri in this event. In fact he saw last year's final six ending up repeating themselves, with the only alteration being Viktor Nikiforov.

Phichit Chulanont wasn't competing this year. From what Otabek had gathered, he was working on a show, but it would be presented in summer, so he had awarded himself a break and the chance to spectate part of this year's Grand Prix Series in the waiting time. Sometimes he would pop up at the rink to train with his best friend and keep himself in shape.

When he entered today, he was alone and looked a bit distressed as he glanced around frantically.

"Chulanont, where is Yuuri?" Otabek looked up as he noticed the furious form of his friend, break away from his coach to skate toward the person he questioned. That got Viktor's attention as well, who paused his own routine to look at them.

"Oh- Um… Yuuri-"he gulped "He's- Coming. He wanted to grab something to eat first. I- I didn't sit with him because of my stomach" he said, and even from this distance, where he had lounged out of the rink to enjoy his coffee, Otabek could see he was sweating under the other's stare.

"Before practice?" asked Viktor and Phichit shrugged, lowering his gaze.

"Always the Glutton" hissed Yuri and sledded away, returning to his warm up. Viktor followed his suit after keeping his stare on the Thai boy for a little longer.

Phichit pulled out his phone on his way to the lockets, typing quickly.

About half an hour later, the main door opened again and Katsuki Yuuri entered. Otabek felt like he was doing his best not to attract attention as he moved, his shoulders drawn up and eyeing the rink with cautiousness.

The Russian trio was once more engaged in a loud conversation and they didn't notice him entering. Phichit on the other hand had been glancing at the door every ten seconds, so he saw his friend arrive instantly. Casting a quick glance toward the other three, he hurriedly skated at the edge of the rink, closest to Yuuri.

Otabek couldn't catch what they were saying from where he stood.

Phichit was frantic as he spoke to his friend, even while keeping the tone low and Katsuki seemed to be trying to ease his mind wearing a smile that uncomfortably reminded Otabek of pre- Yuuri Viktor. He kept nodding and smiling, but his friend didn't seem convinced by whatever he was being told.

"Yuuri!"

Yuri rolled his eyes at how Viktor's whole presence lit up at the sight of his beloved. The oldest skater reached the edge of the rink, leaning over it and reaching out "I missed you!" he grinned.

A loving smile formed on Yuuri's lips, shaking his head, but he made no move to approach the hands reaching out to him "Go back, before Yakov murders us both. I will be there in a minute"

Viktor's whole body slumped forward, as he literally let himself hang from the rink's wall, pouting "I left your skates at the lockets…"

As Yuuri left, Otabek wondered if he should mention Phichit's and Yuuri's interaction to Yuri.

Technically it was none of his business so maybe he shouldn't… Unless he felt there was a need.

* * *

Yuuri had his earphones on when he came on the ice and he started making rounds instantly. Victor made a move to approach him, but the younger smiled and urged him to concentrate and the Russian skater returned to his training, pouting even more.

Usually Yakov appreciated how Katsuki gave him and his apprentices' space to work, but this time he wasn't sure that he was just being considerate. Something felt off and he almost seemed to be avoiding his rink mates. Judging by how upset Chulanont, who was skating behind him, looked, it was likely.

Victor had told him in the past that Yuuri just had bad days. They were unexplained and usually had no obvious reason. Some days, Katsuki Yuuri just woke up at the wrong side of the bed, and the rest of his day was usually passed by giving him his own space, and let him ride whatever through it was that had planted itself into his head that time.

Yakov was still learning to recognize it. He had the general grasp of it but still couldn't find the line where he could tell apart a 'usual bad day' from an 'actual bad day'. According to Yuri, Viktor was the real expert. Being able to read Yuuri's mood and act accordingly, or even plan out for them, even though the young had implied that Viktor had messed up a few times until he got it.

Whatever the case, except of his really bad days, Katsuki's moods didn't affect Yakov's work.

Today wasn't one of these days.

After about an hour where both his students seemed to lack the attention required. Yakov gave them a break of half an hour, to free skate before they return to their routines.

Viktor didn't have to be told twice before he slid to his husband's side.

* * *

Seeing him approach Phichit gave them space.

"Yuuri" he called softly, leaning a little forward, trying to get into Yuuri's field view.

With a small gasp, the raven haired took off his earphones and offered a smile, stumbling to halt "Victor. Are you done already?" he stood still and Victor did the same, in front of him.

"We have a small break"

"Ok" he was fidgeting where he stood, pulling at the edges of his sleeves. Viktor didn't recognize this as one of Yuuri's little irks.

"Are you ok?" he questioned, taking Yuuri's hands in his own.

Yuuri's eyes stayed at their joined hands, until the silver haired was met with another fond smile "I'm fine" he felt him gently squeeze his hands in return and they met halfway when they both moved to intertwine their fingers.

"Something stupid on the tabloids again?" Viktor hadn't checked. But it was possible.

According to Yurio, the idiot of the pair that would fake a smile was Viktor. And he was right. But Yuuri did it too, just not as regularly. When Yuuri had a bad day, you could tell. He would let you know, or it was just obvious if you knew how to look, because he didn't try to hide it. Only when it really mattered was when he would do that.

"No. Well, I mean I haven't checked" he chuckled "But as far as I know, no...Viktor, I am fine, really"

Viktor sighed, and returned a smile "Ok" he leaned forward, touching his forehead on Yuuri's. He felt some tension leave both of them when Yuuri nuzzled to the touch "Ok…"

They held on their little ritual for a few minutes, until Yuuri lifted their hands, to kiss Viktor's fingers. Finally he rested his cheek on their joined hands and looked at his idol. Viktor waited.

"Go back to your practice, now. I want to beat you at the best of your abilities" he smirked.

Viktor felt his fire burn stronger and he smirked in return "We'll see"

They shared a brief kiss and the older did as he was told. He wouldn't press this further, at least not now.

Yakov didn't complain about anything else that day.

* * *

Phichit found that Yuuri was much more approachable after his exchange with Viktor.

He didn't know what to think of last night's messages, but he had hardly gotten any sleep with how worried he had been and Yuuri's refusal to just pick up his damn phone.

U^-^U Yuuri said:

 _Phichit, good evening. I am sorry to send at this hour but I need a favor. Please don't panic! I had a little accident, hurt my leg. Nothing serious. But since I don't want to risk it, I am at the hospital to make sure nothing is broken. It's gonna take a while. Viktor and Yuri are both preparing for their shows, so I don't want to distract them, so I told them I'm at your place (you got a food poisoning apparently). So, just in case they call or something, please play along?_

(='-'=) Hamtaro said:

 _WHAT?! WHICH HOSPITAL? I WILL COME! OMG WHAT HAPPENED?! WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER MY CALLS?_

U^-^U Yuuri said:

 _I'm in the hospital, gotta keep quiet, sorry. I have the hang of it, don't worry, it's nothing._

(='-'=) Hamtaro said:

 _If it is nothing, why did you have to make up a story?_

U^-^U Yuuri said:

 _I told you. I can't have them worry. After his return, Viktor must give his best condition. I couldn't forgive myself if he performed poorly because of me._

(='-'=) Hamtaro said:

 _Yes, because after giving up an entire season to coach you, he would be sooooo put off, if he had to miss a few hours of sleep to make sure you are alright. I want to come over, tell me where you are. I can call the local hospitals you know._

U^-^U Yuuri said:

 _Does that mean you won't back me up?_

(='-'=) Hamtaro said:

 _….. This is really low, Yuuri…_

U^-^U Yuuri said:

 _You're right, I am so sorry…_

(='-'=) Hamtaro said:

 _You know you can count on me. I am just worried._

U^-^U Yuuri said:

 _I know, I'm sorry. Please trust me on this one? We can meet for skating tomorrow, if it will ease your mind. I'm ok, nothing has changed._

(='-'=) Hamtaro said:

 _Ok. Please take care of yourself, Yuuri. If you need anything, call anytime. I will keep it close._

U^-^U Yuuri said:

 _Thank you, Phichit. I really appreciate it. Goodnight._

(='-'=) Hamtaro said:

 _Goodnight, Yuuri…_

It wasn't that Phichit doubted his friend's ability to take care of himself, it was just… That said friend just didn't do it very well and sometimes had the habit of underestimating his own problems... Back in Detroit Yuuri had been dismissing a pain in abdomen as muscle pain for a week. If it hadn't been for Phichit's persisting, Yuuri could have been in some serious trouble with his appendix.

Right now Phichit hoped he was worrying over nothing. In fact, he would be very happy if there was no problem and he was just seen to be overreacting. Overall, Yuuri was skating flawlessly and he seemed to be just fine.

"Break?" he panted, leaning on the wall. Yuuri stopped beside him, trying to catch his own breath.

"I think I am done for the day" he replied wiping his forehead and eyed his spouse. Viktor was practicing his jumps, pausing in between to have a word with Yakov. Yuri was splayed on the bench next to Otabek, possibly asleep. The Kazakhstan skater waved at them as they passed by on their way to the lockets and Phichit paused to take a photo of them.

"Are you gonna upload that?"

"Heh…. Should I not?" he looked sheepish, his finger already hovering over the 'share' button.

"Do what you want" Yuuri shrugged, sitting aside to take off the skates. Phichit bounced on his heels typing through his phone.

"Yuuri" the bench rattled as Phichit dropped beside him, holding the phone up for a selfie "Smile!"

Phichit, along with his seat almost rolled over at the sudden change of weight when Yuuri bolted up to his feet, but the Thai boy stabilized it in time. He looked up at his friend in alarm.

"S-sorry… I don't like taking photos when I am like this" he had taken on a traditional Japanese pose as he apologized. He was acting odd. Definitely.

"I didn't know" the younger tried to recall if this had been an issue in the past "Can you take a photo of me then?" he smiled, holding out his phone.

"Ah! Sure!"

Phichit posted one of the pictures Yuuri took of him, and browsed through his older posts on Instagram. Sure enough, there were a few where his friend wasn't in the best condition, coming out of training or even stumbling over his own feet. Hell, the ones from when he or Viktor were drunk were priceless.

He frowned wondering if this was again about looking good enough for Viktor. After passing his record, it had seemed like this wouldn't be an issue again and after returning, and even having the groundbreaking, first ever, male pair skating, Yuuri's confidence had been boosted. With the marriage to top it off, he was practically living the dream. Phichit couldn't have been happier for him.

Yuuri showed up, adjusting his sleeves "I'm ready"

"Wanna come over for dinner, or will you wait for Yurio and Viktor?"

"Ah, I don't know when they will be done" they stepped out and sure enough, Victor was still on ice and so were Otabek and Yuri. Although Yuri looked like he was sleep skating, lazily dragging himself behind the black haired, mumbling things that they couldn't hear clearly.

Finally they heard him when he raised his voice "No. NO, stretch it more! Higher!"

Otabek groaned "You know I can't do that!"

"Mmmmy're not try'n 'nough!"

Yuuri bit his lip to hold back laughter at how adorable, sleepy Yuri sounded. Phichit on the other hand shuddered.

"Your son scares me sometimes"

A loud thumb got their attention and Yuuri yelped, rushing forward against the edge of the rink.

"Viktor!"

"I'm fine, I am fine" Viktor raised his hand from the ice where he had landed all over. Yakov was smirking.

"That will be all for today" said the older coach.

Viktor hissed as he got to his feet, winching at every move. He murmured something in Russian and came out of the ice, rubbing his side "This man is a monster" he whined as Yuuri rushed to aid him.

"Are you alright?"

"Just really, really tired… And possibly bruised in a place or two. What can I say, I am an old man, Yuuri"

"You are 28, Viktor" Yuuri rolled his eyes.

"I'll get going then" Phichit grinned.

"Ow, won't you have dinner with us?" Victor questioned, placing an arm on Yuuri's waist.

"I would love to, but Ji and I would order takeout and we're gonna Skype with Leo and Chris. Probably watch a movie. You are welcome over, of course!"

"It sounds fun, Phichit. But they are both tired" Yuuri gestured to point at Victor, dragging himself aside to call for Yuri and Otabek.

"Yes, it makes sense. You can join us from Skype too. Anyway, I'll see you later" he jumped forward and wrapped Yuuri in a hug. Almost instantly he let go putting his hands over his mouth, eyes bulging in alarm "Sorry! Did I hurt you somewhere?" he must have, the way Yuuri had stiffened.

Yuuri resumed the breath that was cut off when Phichit hugged him, and forced his body to relax "No, no! Just stiff from the practice" he reassured.

"Oh…" Phichit rubbed the back of his own head "I'm off then"

"Take care, Phichit"

"You too, Yuuri" he smiled weakly and stepped back, then waved at the others and took off.

* * *

"Yuuuuuuuri!" Viktor sung, once more walking around the house naked "Shower!"

Yuuri bet he would never get used to this.

"I have to walk Makkachin, you go ahead" he waved his hands at Viktor's direction and grabbed the leash. Makkachin whined, licking Yuuri's hand as he stayed still to get prepared for walk.

"Yuuuuuuuri~"

Huffing, Yuuri turned to the other to see him wearing his trademark smile "Come back safe"

"…" the Japanese smiled fondly "Of course"

Yuuri found a bench in the dog park, sitting quietly as Makkachin let out some steam, chasing pigeons.

 _A deep breath._

 _In…_

 _And out_

He fixed the mask over his mouth and leaned back, staring at the sky with glazed eyes.

It was so stupid. He knew it was.

 _Why won't you just act normal? What's the matter with you? I said nothing happened. **Nothing happened!** Why won't you act like it!_

It should be easy… He thought he was doing a good job, he did his best to smile and yet more than once he acted like an idiot. On instinct. But come on, it was nothing. You have everything. Are you trying to grab the attention again?

Viktor and Phichit… They were worried. He hadn't meant to worry them. Everything was supposed to be just like it was. He was supposed to forget and act normal. People have gone through much worse, he wasn't even hurt! Why was it affecting him so much, he was totally overreacting, he was fine! He was better than letting this get him down. He had worked so hard…

 _Gather yourself…_

Yuuri was going to compete against Viktor. And will have nothing less than both of them presenting the best of their selves. Whoever ends up wearing the gold must do so because they were the best not because someone broke in the process.

 _So Get. Yourself. Together!_

He could see the hotel from there. Viktor loves him and was waiting for him to come back. Viktor loves him and he loves Viktor. Viktor was at that room over there. Yuuri had been just a few rooms to the left…

He had heard him and Yuri when they arrived and started looking for him, just the night before. His hands had been shaking as the phone buzzed in his hands without a sound. He couldn't see the name on the screen through the tears that blurred his vision, but he had known it was Viktor. He had wanted to call out, but how could he possibly face him like this, curled against a door, wrapped in a blanket. And what about Yuri? No matter how tough he acted, the kid was barely sixteen. He couldn't expose him to this. No. No…

He had kept his hand over his mouth to keep the sobs quiet and had frozen when he heard Makkachin drag Yuri his way.

 _'No no! Makkachin! Go away, please don't come here…'_

It had been a miracle that he had managed to compose the text to Viktor with how his hands were shaking. He had to backspace 'Help me' three times, until he started. And then it flowed out on its own. Phichit's text had been even easier, until he had snapped at him. He still felt terrible about that…

He had despised this room, but at least its shower was untainted, so he passed his night there. He had considered actually going to the hospital, as he had originally planned, but the hangover from the drug had worn out. His… Fan… Had used protection, so… No worries there… And technically he hadn't been hurt… Plus if he had gone to the hospital, he would have had to admit what happened.

 _And nothing happened._

Sometime the next day, he had found himself arriving in his own room. Just a normal day. Walking in the familiar sight of a little messy room, Victor's dog wagging his tail at him…

A rubbish bag filled with clothes had waited to be tossed on his way out. He had taken a proper shower and looked himself in the mirror.

That had been him, wasn't it? Of course it was…

He had run his fingers through his hair and quickly caught it in a ponytail, before he could give into the urge to rip it out.

Then he had been on his way to the ice rink and the people he loved would be there.

 _Nothing had happened._

Yuuri wasn't sure what had gone wrong, his body and mouth disobeyed him and rejected their affection again and again in such a short time. The only thing he had accepted had been his and Viktor's little ritual. He had been so relieved to still be able to embrace that.

He rolled his ring around his finger, watching it gleam at the poor lighting of the park. This is untouched…

He held on this as he dropped his head on his knees, letting out whatever tears have been left that he held in today. It went on and on and he was thankful for the cold weather, because the park was empty and he knew this time he makes noise.

A whine and a nudge told him that Makkachin had joined him, the warm mass on his side was comforting and he was grateful.

Yuuri wasn't sure how long he sat there, but could bet that if he hadn't snuggled to Makkachin, he would be freezing. A ping from his phone brought him back to earth.

It was a message from Viktor, with an image attachment featuring cups of steaming chocolate, and the caption 'They'll get cold if you take any longer'.

A little stained but honest smile made its way on Yuuri's lips and they started to make their way back.

The chocolate was still warm when they arrived.

Night came and Viktor was too tired from practice for them to get intimate. Yuuri was horrified with himself when he realized he had been relieved.

* * *

Someone was playing with his hair.

 _'It's so soft and it suits you so much!' Yuuri had lost count of how many times those fingers had gone through his locks 'You look stunning…'_

His back was warm, and an arm was draped around his waist. Shakily he reached for the hand and felt around for ring identical to his. It was there.

 _It's Viktor. Calm down, it's Viktor_

"Yuuri?" the hand closed around his own and the warmth spooning him shifted "Yuuri, what's wrong?"

The dark haired gulped closing his eyes and mentally counted to ten. Finally he rolled on his back, to face the worried expression his spouse wore.

"Just a nightmare…" Viktor tightened the hold in their intertwined hands and Yuuri returned it, sucking all the comfort he could get from there.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered, wiping the tears from the younger's face.

"I' ld rather not…"

Viktor sighed and placed a kiss on his forehead. Yuuri's free hand found Viktor face and led him in for a kiss, he could feel his smile when their lips met. It thankfully didn't feel uncomfortable and Yuuri tangled his fingers to Viktor's hair.

It was all great until the older loomed over him. Usually for Yuuri it was a turn on when he led Viktor on and things escalated from there, but at the moment it just kicked his alarm system in full alert mode. He had to struggle to not push him off but if Viktor proceeded, he wasn't sure he could prevent it.

"Ack! Viktor, what-?"

Viktor had dropped himself on top of him and laid comfortably, resting his chin on Yuuri's chest with a smile, feet swinging behind him "What?" he grinned "It's comfortable here"

Yuuri chuckled "You are heavy, you know"

The Russian gapped "You are breaking my heart, Love..."

"You have told me far worse! Especially when we first met" Yuuri shot him a cheeky smile.

"I was trying to motivate you!" that huff was so childish.

"Yes, you weren't the best in motivating me back then" he teased playing with the other's fringe.

"Am I better now? Do I motivate you properly?"

"Viktor… Of course you do" Yuuri cupped his face and Viktor nuzzled to his hand.

They both got startled at the banging on the door, tangling on each other with a yelp.

"WAKE UP, DUMBASSES!" echoed a very familiar voice.

"Oh… Today is-"

"The Cup of China, yes" they both cringed and traded a guilty look before breaking into a fit of laughter.

* * *

"What took you so long?"

"I don't wanna know. But it was their fault" Yuri pointed accusingly at the couple walking behind him. Yakov gave the disapproving eyebrow to Viktor.

"Izvinite, Yakov" he didn't sound that remorseful.

"I'm so sorry, Sir. It was my fault, I overslept" Yuuri on the other hand bowed and sounded much more sincere. Yuri tsked before hurrying off to change. A few minutes later he had joined the warm up on the ice.

"Morning, Yura" Yurio found Otabek skating beside him "I hope you did rest? Yesterday you dozed off in training"

"Yes, I remember. Chulanont posted a picture of it online"

"I thought it was a good photo"

"That's not the point!" growling, he started skating backwards so they could talk face to face. Otabek made sure to notify him whenever he was about to crash into someone "You could take my side every once in a while"

"I do when I think you are right. Plus this subject was opinion based"

Yuri rolled his eyes and started skating forward once again.

"You seem troubled"

"I blame the stupid Katsudon" his eyes traveled at the end of the rink, but Yuuri wasn't there. With a better look, he found him at the stalls, talking with Chulanont and Guang-Hong "He has been acting weird. Well, weirder. He came at the hotel, looking like a mess last night, and the other idiot is just pampering him"

"Maybe they talk when you aren't there" Otabek offered "If it bothers you, why you don't confront him yourself?"

"Because it's bloody Katsuki Yuuri. He cries more than Shinji Ikari, you can never know if it is for something serious or something stupid"

"So what if it is something stupid?"

"I'll feel even stupider for dwelling over it"

"And if it is something serious?"

Yuri's expression dropped, eyebrows furrowing "I don't know…I guess I'll just go ahead and address it since those two will continue being idiots"

There was the callout for the warm up's end and they cleared the ice.

Yuri headed where he saw Yuuri with his friends, but not even halfway he was interrupted.

"Yurio" of course he had head Victor following him; he hadn't even been subtle about it.

"What?" Yurio put his hand on his waist and glared at the older whose smile didn't falter.

"Where are you off to?"

"I wanna have a word with your idiot"

"He won't tell you what's wrong with him"

"Do you know?" the question almost sounded hopeful and Viktor's smile saddened.

"…He won't tell me, either"

"But you have an idea?" he raised an eyebrow at how the other's expression tightened.

"No. I do not"

"Well then. You can keep fondling him, I won't" he turned on his heel and resumed his way.

"Wait until after the Cup"

"What?"

Viktor stepped closer and Yuri noticed that he looked pretty tired "Don't get me wrong. I have full faith on your abilities and so does Yuuri. But if you two end up fighting and something goes wrong with your performance, he will blame himself"

Yuri fumed. That was a serious insult "As if I would let anything affect my performance!"

"I know. But Yuuri won't see it like this. Just wait until the Cup is done... I have the handle of it"

"Clearly you don't" he crossed his arms, looking away. He couldn't really make an argument on how the nonsensical Japanese man would manage to come into a ridiculous conclusion that would result in him blaming himself. Yuri sometimes had the sense that if science hadn't proved otherwise, Yuuri would have even been convinced that he had single-handily started the Global Warming "Why don't you press it a little more? Don't you care?"

The glare Viktor shot him was something new "Of course I care! But, Yuuri have always had his own pace, he needs time…"

"…"

"I'm looking out for him. Promise"

Sighing, Yuri walked past Viktor and back to the sidelines of the rink, leaving a series of mumbled curses under his breath. How the hell did he end up mixed up with those two fools?

He was third in line to present and a series of familiar "Yuri! Davai!" echoed when he entered the ice both then and the following day. His score was higher than Yuuri's and he was in lead in both Short and Free program. As expected he sealed his place to the finals. Otabek came second and Minami third.

* * *

"So, you'll come to Japan with us?"Viktor asked Otabek cheerfully when they had all gathered in a restaurant to celebrate their last day in Beijing. The younger nodded in return.

Phichit beamed "Ah, great! Once NHK is done we can have a feast before the finals like last year! And we can celebrate Yuuri's birthday at his house too"

A soft blush formed on Yuuri's cheeks "That sounds nice"

"We'll be staying in your house?" Otabek remembered Yuri mentioning hotel booking for Japan, had he missed something?

"Sadly Hasetsu and Sapporo are in opposite sides of the country, so no. But after the competition, we were thinking of spending some days at my house before the finals"

"We are having a feast right now, anyway" Yuri pointed out, through his food.

"Aww, Yurio" Viktor teased "We'll have more reasons to celebrate then. And don't talk with your mouth full"

"You are not actually hoping for the highest score after a season off, right?"

"Hm?" the older Russian looked confused.

"Viktor has been training hard, Yurio!" rushed in his husband's defense "And he is doing as well as he used to if not better"

"He is still rusty" it was the first time Otabek heard Yuri indicate anything of that sort and from Victor's appearance in Moscow, he himself had seen nothing to show that Viktor's abilities had decreased.

"You don't seem to understand, Yura" Viktor took a dead serious look "I will have nothing less than the first place in this event. I will be competing in Yuuri's country, I can't let him down"

Yuri smirked "Make sure they hear you"

A similar mischievous smirk formed on Viktor's lips "I will"

Yuuri's eyes were wide as they traveled between the two Russians with a mix of surprise and adoration, seeming unable to form any proper words.

Viktor offered him a loving smile and took his hand in his own. Yurio could see the younger melting, when he hid his face on Viktor's shoulder (Phichit took multiple photos of the moment).

The blond had been observing the couple as much as his training had allowed him after his conversation with Viktor and had noticed a few changes. For once they had scaled down the PDA a lot… Well, Viktor had, since Yuuri, unless he was drank, was very reserved. Viktor wasn't all over Yuuri but they held hands all the time like otters who wouldn't risk floating away from each other.

There was also the thing that Yuri would never admit out loud had bothered him. When he had stepped down the podium, Yakov, Viktor and Otabek all hugged him at some point. Yuuri still hadn't, even if he had warmly congratulated him over and over.

When they finished their little gathering, Yurio saw Phichit approach Yuuri expectantly and trying hard not to seem hurt when his friend confined to a verbal greeting off.

The next day they all flied for Japan.

* * *

This hotel was much more comfortable. It didn't have more luxuries, it just felt safer.

Yuuri stared at its ceiling, petting Makkachin who had his head on his chest. Viktor left early to train with Yakov. He briefly remembered gentle nudge and Viktor's offer for him to come along, but Yuuri had just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Now that he was alone, he was considering going. Skating always made him feel better after all and it was one of the rare occasions in the last few days that they were apart. It felt a little empty…

Viktor had asked at least once per day if Yuuri wanted to talk about what was troubling him and even more times if he was ok. Yuuri always assured him he was fine and could practically see Viktor holding on his tongue to not call him out on the lie.

They say 'fake it till you make it' and Yuuri had been trying to apply it.

It hadn't been working very well though. His spouse was constantly anxious over his well being and hardly let him out of his sight. He had once or twice more made an attempt to get more intimate but had cut each time short and Yuuri couldn't decide which option was worse. Viktor stopping because he could sense his own discomfort, the one he had been trying to mask, or Viktor getting tired of him?

He hadn't managed to hold onto the second option for long anyway. Viktor, as if knowing that this could cross his mind, made sure to show his love at every chance. He brought food, held his hands, skated with him, spoke sweet words, and carried Makkachin over for them to play.

Yuuri hated not being able to give back all that he wanted.

It had been a few days since the… 'Incident'… When was he going to get back to normal…? He… He couldn't possibly be like this for the rest of his life, right? It would go away… He had a life and he wanted it back to normal.

He absurdly sat up, disturbing Makkachin who yelped and started whining, pawing his lap. Yuuri didn't pay attention, staring wide eyed at nothing with cold sweat run down his spine.

 _It's gonna go away, right…? It must! I-I can't live like this…_

Replaying the last days in his mind he wondered if he had improved at all. In all honesty he couldn't judge this himself… To him it felt like he was in a stasis. He wasn't better and he wasn't worse.

 _No, no…_

He had to get the stone rolling. Something to move, he couldn't stay like this.

He wandered around the room frantically in circles, arms wrapped around himself.

There was no memory of him walking in the bathroom or filling the tub. The realization came when his skin started to sting from the cold seeping through his clothes, it was… Soothing.

"What the hell are you doing…?"

Yuuri heard the steps approach and coming to a halt next to him. He curled in on himself not wanting to leave his comfort yet.

There was a tiny disturbance in the water accompanied with a hiss "… Ok, something is definitely wrong with you. Come on out". All Yuuri saw was a flash of blond as someone grabbed his arm and pulled him forward, but it was enough to have him snap away and drop back, in a defensive position, splashing the whole room in the process.

The other person growled loudly in frustration "GOD DAMNIT! Thanks for the shower, Katsudon! FUCK is it freezing! Now could you stop acting like a spazz?!"

Yuuri had covered his face, staring between his fingers the dripping form of Yuri, in embarrassment "Yurio, I am so sorry!"

"You better be! What the hell are you even doing there?!"

Yuuri gulped "Um… I was… Having a bath?"

"Really? Are you sure you weren't just testing your survival capabilities on the Titanic? Why are you wearing your clothes?"

"Well-"

"Actually no. Don't answer. I will punch you on the next lie" Yuri moved to grab him again but midway reconsider and instead offered his hand to help him up. Once Yuuri was out of the tub the younger threw the big towel around him "Does Viktor fall for these things?"

"What do you mean?" Yuuri tightened the towel around him, trying to get his temperature back to human levels.

"Nothing… Come on, you have to change" he walked into the main room with Yuuri dragging his own steps after him.

"Yurio…" came a mumble under the towel "Don't tell Viktor"

"I will" Yuri declared, wiping himself with a smaller towel "I don't even understand what you were up to, but maybe he will. So don't count on my silence"

"I wasn't up to anything. There is no need to worry him. Just because I got a little distracted-"

"Ye, no. Shut it. I did say I would punch you in the next lie and I will. He is already worried, you moron! What do you think I am doing here!? He texted me to keep an eye on you. How about instead of hiding in your shell and messing up further, you just stop giving him reasons to worry!?"

There was a dragged silence, where they both stood still, one glaring and the other with head lowered, towel still draped over it.

"You're right…" came a whisper under the towel "I keep causing him trouble, he must be tired… I'm being selfish again… He would be better off if I just-"

"That's not what I said!" Yuuri was startled when his face was cupped and forced to face the pair of furious green eyes "I meant start being honest! He knows you are not ok. You know that he knows, it can't get worse if he just knows what he worries over! So why won't you just spill the beans!?"

"I can't" he looked horrified.

"Why?" Yurio's fingers tightened in place when he felt him trying to back off.

"I can't, I CAN'T!" he shut his eyes, trying with more persistence to pull back.

"WHY?"

"Please, stop it!" and he was crying again and the plea was too desperate for Yuri to ignore. He released him, saw him instantly crouch into a tight, sobbing ball. The blond was able to catch some stuttered words through the sobs. Most of them sounded like a repeated litany of 'ashamed' and 'I can't'.

Makkachin rushed close whimpering and nuzzled on the crying mess from every side he could, apparently not caring that Yuuri was still dripping.

* * *

Yuri stayed staring at the sight hopelessly. He had no idea how to react in this situation and his intuition told him that kicking him wasn't the best course of action. With a sigh, he brushed his hair back and crouched in front of the other, waiting until the sobs have lessened.

"You need to change, you'll catch a cold you dumb Katsudon… Viktor will screw up if you are not there to cheer for him"

A few moments passed, in which Yuri assumed he wouldn't get an answer, until a wet reply was barely heard from somewhere in this curled up ball "He has been doing fine for years without me"

"He isn't who the same person anymore. The new version needs you there and I am gonna turn you into a hamburger if anyone finds out I said that"

The next noise almost sounded like a very weak snicker and after another pause he finally started to unfold.

"You have to do something with that pesky crying"

Yuuri sniffled and wiped his eyes "Yes, I know…"

"It won't always save you"

 _'Ah! Come on, no… Why are you crying? I can't be hurting you, I am being so gentle... Is it the rope? I didn't want to tie you, I'm so sorry but you kept struggling… You know, you're still beautiful'_

"It hasn't"

Yuri felt chills going down his spine at how soulless the smile that accompanied that last statement was.

The older eventually got himself into dry clothes and they ended up sitting at the coach, watching dog compilation videos on YouTube until Yuuri drifted to sleep, snuggled up with Makkachin.

Once Yuri was certain he was asleep, he slipped away and leaned into the corridor through the door they had left a tad open.

"How long have you been there?"

"Since you told me to wait here, until you quote –checked to make sure the stupid Katsudon hadn't eaten himself to death-"

"…Well, thanks for the help"

" _If_ you had needed help, I would have come. But you didn't and the moment seemed personal anyway. I had no place"

Yuri crossed Otabek and sat beside him, copying his friend's pose by leaning against the wall and stretching his feet for anyone to stumble over if they passed by.

"How much did you hear?"

"Most of it. Including the hamburger part"

Yuri hit him with his elbow while writing a message down his phone "Did I mess up…?"

"A few times but you fixed most of them instantly… Are you texting Viktor?"

"Yeah"

"Is there a point? He will be back in a few hours, and we can look out for Katsuki in the meantime. You can fill him in then"

"Viktor won't talk some sense into him and that behavior isn't normal, even for Yuuri. I think he is losing it!"

"… Yura, I don't think that's the case"

Yuri ceased typing and gave all his attention to his friend who seemed uncharacteristically torn.

"Do you know something?" Yuri demanded, hoping to finally get some answers.

"I'm only speculating" he held out his own phone to the blond. Yuri took it curiously and found it open at a long article analyzing post traumatic stress.

"I'm pretty sure he has never served in the army" he pointed out after a few scrolls.

"That's not the only cause" Otabek rested his head back, keeping his eyes on the blond. Gradually he saw the color drain from his face and he had to use both hands to keep the phone steady in case to keep reading. He folded his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them, eyes running over the words on the screen.

"These things don't happen" he muttered.

"They do" Otabek carefully retrieved his phone, snapping the blonds' attention from it "We just don't talk about them"

Yuri looked vulnerably younger when their eyes met.

"That's just your assumption" the older youth saw the shields rising and planed to have none of it. Otabek hadn't been too confident in sharing his speculations, but he had done it now and there was no changing it. If he was to be honest, he would do so all the way.

"The odd behavior started the night he supposedly spent on Phichit's side, right?"

Yuri gasped "Chulanont wouldn't-"

"Of course not. I don't think those two met that night though. You saw how nervous Phichit had been and when Katsuki arrived he was fussing over him"

The dark haired couldn't hear the other's thoughts, but judging from Yuri's expressions he was struggling to come up with a reasonable explanation that would differ from what he already had in hand. But in a sick way it made sense… Slowly he was swallowing the denial and it was bitter.

"Ok, so… It wasn't a stupid problem after all… I mean, if you are right… What are the chances of you being wrong?"

Otabek shrugged.

"Right. Anyway, if we assume this is the case… What the fuck am I supposed to do?" his fingers twisted like he was about to strangle someone "How the hell am I supposed to treat him? How do I fix this?"

"I think if you change the way you treat him and he realizes why, he'll probably die" the monotone voice didn't waver in the slightest.

"Can you not be so calm when you say such things?"

"One of us has to be"

"I am calm!"

"And I am in an outrage. Please offer me your sage advice"

"I am gonna stick to treating him like the delusional idiot he is and punch some sense into him and Viktor if I need to!" Yuri punched his own palm.

Otabek gave him thumbs up.

* * *

"Oh? Otabek? Dobriy vyecher" Viktor received a simple wave as a reply. He cast a quick glance around, but apart from the dark haired, the room seemed empty "Where are the Yuris?" he closed the door after him and unbuttoned his coat.

"They went for a run with Makkachin"

"Ah, glad to hear it, that sounds fun" he shuffled through some takeout boxes that had appeared on the counter and grinned as he found one with his name on it. He set it on the table and sat opposite the younger "If I may ask, what are you doing here?"

"Yura said you would worry to find the place deserted so asked me to stay and greet you if you returned before them"

"Did he really phrase it so politely?" the idea seemed to astonish him.

"No"

Viktor chuckled and remained quiet as he ate. Otabek didn't interrupt him. Once he was done he stacked the box on top of the rest and gathered fresh clothes, preparing for a shower. On his way he stopped once more next to the table.

"Are they alright?"

"They had a scene. But they worked it out"

"What scene?"

Otabek shrugged "You'll have to ask Yura for details, he handled it himself. But they were cheerful when they left"

Viktor sighed "Spasibo"

"What about you? You look tired"

"I've been practicing all day and I am pretty sore…" he whined "But I am managing" he offered Otabek a weak smile "Thank you for the concern, I appreciate it"

"If you think you can take care of anyone, while neglecting yourself you are dumber than you look"

Viktor stared at him like he had grown a second head "… Ok. I try to keep it in mind… Did you really phrase that so rudely?"

"No"

* * *

Later that night Viktor and Yuri had a private meeting at the corridor where Yuri had described the whole incident at the best of his abilities. Viktor had been able to tell how hard the younger was holding himself from blaming him for not pressing the matter further but had softened at how devastated Viktor had looked when he was describing Yuuri's meltdown.

Otabek's speculation and its implications weren't referenced.

* * *

"Yuuuuuuuri~"

Someone very familiar was shaking him from sleep and he wasn't really complaining. The dream he was having was really unpleasant "Mmm?" he murmured sleepily.

"Dobraye ootro~ Rise and Shine, Yuuri" Viktor mumbled on Yuuri's cheek.

"Ohayo, Viktor. Let me sleep" Yuuri tried to pull the blanket over himself but his spouse was laying on it.

"Your husband finds you extremely adorable the way you slumber while drooling and would love to let you rest and make up for the hours of sleep you've been missing" Yuuri hurried to wipe his mouth, flushing in embarrassment "But your coach is going to physically drag you out of bed if you aren't up in two minutes"

"MMM!" Yuuri whined and went to a fetal position trying to resume sleep.

"Yuuri..." he sounded impatient.

"…"

"Yuuri!" he was definitely impatient but Yuuri stubbornly stayed in place.

"ACK!" Yuuri jumped to sitting position covering his ear "VIKTOR!"

"Splendid, you are up!" he clapped excitedly "Now come on, let's get dressed"

"You blew in my ear!? Seriously? What are you, five!?" his glare wasn't very affective as Viktor seemed to still be in full high energy spirits.

"No, six. Specifically among the six finalists on GP and so are you, so UP"

"I have two weeks ahead of me!" the younger sulked as he crawled at the edge of the bed, setting his feet on the floor.

"I am not letting you rot in here another day. Plus you are capable of gaining weight in the meantime and we have a new outfit done for you" the second sentence was muffled from the shirt Viktor was trying to fit over his head, only to realize in the third try that was the arm's hole "While I appreciated your consideration for getting me food, don't think it distracted me from the takeout"

"Will you dump me if I gain weight again?"

Viktor's head surfaced from the neckline "I'm not falling for that. Get up"

Yuuri gave the sheepish smile, of someone getting caught while stealing cookies and Viktor grinned as he took him by the hands and pulled him to his feet. The younger let a last tiny sound of protest before proceeding with a quick shower and dressing up.

"We're taking Makkachin with us?" he questioned as he saw Viktor attach the leash to the excited dog on their way out.

"We'll probably be back at the evening and I don't wish to pay for more furniture he chewed on. Yurio and Otabek left earlier to go find a rental motorcycle; they said they would come to the rink later. The first one to return here can bring Makkachin back"

"Is he even allowed at the rink?"

"I'll tell them he is my tissue case"

"He is a little too big and… Lively for that"

"He is my seeing dog"

"You are not blind!"

"I am blindly in love with you"

"Oh my god, Viktor, that was terrible" he was blushing any way.

* * *

With the Cup and the travels, it had been a couple of days since the last time Yuuri was on ice and right now he couldn't thank Viktor enough for insisting in bringing him over. The second he touched the ice it was like he could breathe again. Skating had always been his sanctuary and he was relieved to find it still welcomed him.

They were alone.

Viktor said that Yakov would appear a few hours later so they could have some time to refresh Yuuri's routine. So Yuuri slipped across the ice for his warm up and was only interrupted half an hour later, by the music of his short program.

He remembered this. Every move.

Viktor had let him pick the songs for both of them while he would choreograph them, himself. When they were preparing their programs Viktor said that both of them had equal level of difficulty to make sure it would be pure skill that won once they reached the finals. They both knew that they would do spontaneous last minute additions on their own accord.

Yuuri sunk into the routine naturally. He counted the turns and found that he missed one. Two jumps were landed sloppily and another with both feet, but the rest was executed well. He panted he stroke the closing pose and then slumped grinning at Viktor.

His coach pointed out the mistakes; he already knew he had made, disapprovingly and had him redo the jumps he missed. In the next few hours he was landing them properly.

"Can you handle trying your free skate too?"

Yuuri had his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. He wasn't sure, but he hadn't felt this alive in days and he would love to try it, so he nodded.

"Don't force yourself" Viktor warned as he searched for the right song "I want you in perfect condition, so if you feel you can't handle something right now, don't risk it. We will be here to try it again tomorrow. Ok?"

"Yes" Yuuri straightened up and waited until the second track started playing.

He remembered this one also and he swiftly fell into the steps once more. The fatigue became apparent on his first quad, but he landed it very well so he went on and landed the second just fine also, although he was pretty sure he had scaled it down at the protest of some muscle. On the third he was so startled when the music stopped without a warning that he found himself tumbling on the ice.

"Ouch…" he felt his glasses to make sure they weren't broken.

Viktor's shadow was cast over him when the other loomed over where he laid "I said don't force yourself"

Yuuri gulped "I could handle it"

"It didn't look like it" the Russian remarked as he sank on the ice, lying next to the other. He duly noted there was a footprint on the ceiling. He couldn't fathom how that happened.

"It was coming out just fine"

"You could have hurt yourself"

"You are overreacting. You are my coach, you're not supposed to pamper me"

"I'm not pampering you, Yuuri. I am just pointing out your limits when you fail to notice them"

"I know my own limits"

Viktor rolled on his side to face him, rising to his elbow "Are you sure?"

The only sound in the rink was Makkachin's increasing whines, possibly because he had lost sight of both of them.

"Viktor, I can do it… Please don't doubt me now! I need you to believe in me"

Viktor got them into the positions of their ritual "I do not doubt you, Yuuri. I know you can do it but your wellbeing is number one priority"

"…" Yuuri nuzzled their foreheads together and squeezed his hand "Ok…"

For the rest of the day, Yuuri stayed to the basics and the next day he performed his free program well enough to be satisfied. After a few pointers from Viktor on his strict face, it was perfect.

* * *

"Viktor! Yuris! I was wondering how come I hadn't seen you yet"

The three of them had been heading to the changing rooms, for Viktor to prepare when a delighted Christophe approached them. Surprisingly keeping his hands to himself this time (Yurio had hid behind Viktor just in case, looking wearily at him).

"Christophe! Preevyet!"

"Hi, Chris! It's good to see you" Yuuri beamed "It's been a while. Where is Phichit?"

As far as Yuuri was aware, and from what the constant selfies in social media featured, Phichit had been staying at Chris's since their arrival in Japan.

"Somewhere at the stalls, claiming a good seat by blending among Yuri's Angels"

The younger blond growled loudly from behind Viktor.

"Be nice to your fans, Yura" Viktor reminded him with amusement. It dropped when he felt Yuuri shudder from where their hands were connected "Yuuri? Something the matter?"

"No no! I just want to see Phichit. Excuse me, I'll be back before your performance" he withdrew his hand and rushed past Chris.

Yuuri fumbled with his sleeves as he walked in a hurry, avoiding bumping into anyone at all cost. He wasn't sure what had irked him this time… Or maybe he was but it was just too dumb for him to accept it.

Yuri's angels were visible from miles in the stalls, so Yuuri didn't have any difficulty to find them and Phichit in the middle of the cat ears and plushies. His friend was sitting next to them, looking through his phone while chatting. Some of the girls spotted Yuuri and poked Phichit, pointing at him.

The Thai's face lit up when he noticed him "Yuuri!" he waved him over as more eyes gave him their attention.

Yuuri couldn't move.

He recognized one of these faces… And it looked ecstatic to see him.

Oh, this was a bad day…

"Yuuri?" the concern belonged to his friend but right now he couldn't comprehend it, let alone answer.

He was backing off on instinct more than anything else and heard Phichit call out to him again as he broke into a run.

* * *

 _No_

 _What the hell…_

 _No no_

 _What is he doing here…? Why…_

 _No no no…_

Yuuri found one of the restrooms by miracle, bending over one of the sinks to keep himself up as he dry heaved.

Multiple voices had called his name as he was running but he stopped for none and couldn't tell to whom they had belonged. His heart was drumming out of control and the whole room was spinning. The worse thing though was the air that refused to fill his lungs. No matter how much he tried, it just wouldn't happen.

His knees hit the ground and he bent over, the only thing holding him from completely collapsing was his grip at the edge of the sink. There was noise around him now but he couldn't make out any of it through the screeching in his ears and the lack of oxygen wasn't helping. The edges of his vision were starting to blur.

A call among the others sounded clearer. It wasn't his name, but he knew this call and it was definitely addressed to him. The owner of it must have been the silhouette at his side. He decided it was worth the risk and released one of his hands, reaching out to them. His hand was instantly enveloped in two smaller and more delicate hands than his own. Yuuri held on them like a lifeline.

Some noises started to make sense again.

A voice he had heard before was directing him on how to pace his breathing and the familiar figure on his side encouraged him to follow these directions. It took a few tries but he managed it.

His forehead was leaned on someone's shoulder as he caught on the air of the last minutes. His sight and hearing were balancing and he could tell to whom this peculiar puma-panther shirt belonged to.

"Sorry, Yurio…" he panted huskily. He felt the vibration of the younger's growl under him.

"Has this happened before?" that was the person who had talked him into breathing properly. Being back to his senses, Yuuri remembered the owner of this voice and he just sunk further against Yuri in embarrassment.

"As far as I know…" Yuri replied. The following words were obviously forced through his teeth out of obligation "…Thanks… for the help…"

Yuuri moaned miserably shifting his head to be able to look at his savior "Thanks, JJ…"

Yuri's eyes narrowed dangerously in warning, as he held on Yuuri tighter.

"No problem" JJ was also crouched closely, inspecting him with something akin to curiosity. Yuuri spotted Phichit standing a little further behind JJ, with his hands joined as if in a prayer. He looked distressed but as soon as their eyes met Yuuri offered him a weak smile and Phichit rushed to his side, very hesitantly laying a hand on his back.

"I suggest you don't crowd him" JJ advised when he rose to his feet and Phichit moved to retreat almost instantly. Yuuri grabbed on his shirt, tugging softly to keep him in place and his friend eagerly stayed.

"Hey, dumbass. Don't you dare distract Viktor from your competition" Yurio hissed.

JJ snickered and his reply was seeping with arrogance "I don't need foul means to surpass him. I have skills"

"Um- If… Such a thing happens again…" that was Phichit.

"Just try what I did, he should be alright…" JJ's eyes met with Yuuri's and the older almost flinched, seeing the ridicule coming "Don't break down yet, Katsuki. You can wait till I annihilate Viktor first". Well that wasn't too bad.

"Don't sleepwalk on the rink, Leroy"

"You're still adorable, kitten"

"PISS OFF!"

JJ hummed in amusement when he left the room and Yuuri heard a female voice questioning him about what happened.

Phichit and Yurio helped Yuuri into looking presentable again when they stepped out and thankfully neither of them pressured him too much to talk, although it was obvious that they were both unhappy to let it go.

* * *

Thai-boy said:

 _Hi, Christophe! How are you?_

christophe-gc said:

 _Phichit, hi! What a surprise~ I am doing great, staying fabulous for NHK. I'll be facing Viktor once more! WOOT! 3 Too bad you aren't on ice this year, but I'll get to see you anyway in a few days, so tis cool -3- What's up?_

Thai-boy said:

 _I am doing well. I am a little worried for Yuuri though and I don't know who to talk to… Maybe I am just paranoid, but do you have some time?_

christophe-gc said:

 _Sure. What's Fuss on Ice onto this time?_

The first thing that had come into Chris's mind had been an affair, although from Viktor's posts it didn't look like these two were any less enamored with one another. Plus the idea of cheating on Viktor was absurd. So he considered instead that Viktor could have gotten possessive and that might had been the reason Yuuri was being distant.

His second guess had been hate from fanatics. It wasn't uncommon. Although they were always bouncing back ok and with Viktor's nonchalant behavior on the subject, he kept making the haters feel really stupid for even addressing some of the things they insulted. Yuuri had always been a little more vulnerable to people's opinions.

A third guess arose when Phichit described Yuuri's behavior as they were sitting at his couch. He locked it in a box and hid it away, because it was surely just his own twisted mind that would head that direction.

Whatever the case was, he noted to be cautious when he met the couple and at first glance, they seemed ok. Viktor's smile was a little tired and Yuuri seemed a bit fragile but you had to look closely to notice.

When Yuuri had excused himself, Chris had given him space to pass. He gave Viktor a suspicious look but it went unnoticed since the older was whispering something to Yuri, who instantly groaned and rushed after the first Yuuri.

"Is he ok?" he asked as he and Viktor made their way to the lockets.

Viktor sighed and remained quiet for a while until the smile returned with a raised eyebrow "…You are surprisingly withdrawn today"

Chris smirked "Awww" he wrapped an arm around Viktor's shoulder "You wanted a hug?"

"I wouldn't mind one, but I just found it odd"

"You can have all the affection you want, I am overflowing with it"

Viktor cackled "I am aware and married"

"Pff, touchy…" Chris put his hands in his pockets "You two need to be more considerate of your friends' feelings, like we are for you"

They had small talk while they changed and Viktor drifted ahead of him during the warm-up. JJ arrived last on the ice and Chris was a bit disappointed when he didn't throw any insults Viktor's way. It was always fun to watch JJ get humiliated by Viktor's inability to care for what he said.

When the Yuris showed up at the sidelines, Viktor's skating was more relaxed.

"What is it now?" Chris walked up to Phichit, who was waiting at one of the edges of the rink, after the warm up. Something seemed to have upset him so Chris listened as he explained what happened.

"…And that's about it… I'm sorry for whining so much"

"Don't worry, I've had worse. I have a cat" Chris waved his apology dismissively. He crossed his arms, letting the new info sink in. He glanced at Yuuri who was at the moment talking to his mate at the other side "So, he freaked out for no apparent reason?"

Phichit nodded "I called out to him and next thing I know he fled like he had seen a ghost…" he did a double take "Although he wasn't looking at me" the younger's eyebrows had furrowed as he tried to replay the scene in his head, recollecting all the details he could "I think he was looking at our neighbor"

Chris's eyebrows shot up "The creep in the next room that keeps hitting on you?"

"He isn't hitting on me, Christophe. He is just being nice, he is a fan and he's just a bit… Enthusiastic"

"He rented the room two days ago and has asked you over like, what? Three times?"

Phichit's cheeks blossomed "Four, but-"

"Does he have to write it in neon for you to get the message? I would tell you to read between the lines but in this case the line is drawn under bold letters" his posture emphasized how irritated he was with Phichit's ignorance.

The realization took a few seconds to strike and the blond moaned face-palming "My god, you are idiots… No wonder you and Katsuki are besties"

"What are you talking about?"

Chris sighed dragging his fingers down his face, leaving red lines on the way, ending up with rubbing his temple "Well, how do I put it…? Hm… Yes, I don't know how to put it"

"Chris! This is about Yuuri, isn't it? What is it?!"

The older grimaced, not being able to find the proper words to explain the situation.

"Fine! You know what? I'll just ask him" Chris caught his arm just when he was about to bolt off.

"Phichit. Do me a favor and unless you really _really_ **really** like him, stay away from him" Chris said pointedly. Phichit glared at him for a long moment before he pulled off and walked away.

In the short program Victor is first, JJ second and Chris third, but they still had the free skate tomorrow. Of course they already knew all three of them were heading to the finals.

Chris only found Phichit again once all the skaters had competed, he was chatting cheerfully with Yuuri.

On their way to the hotel Phichit was acting normally so Chris didn't bother him and just left him browsing through his mobile phone in the living room, while he was getting a bath.

When he came out though he was greeted by a very different sight.

Phichit was still in the couch but the whole aura around him had changed. He had his elbows on his knees, head hanging forward. On his dominant hand was still the phone, about to crack any second by the pressure of the fist around it. Chris approached carefully, hand on waist.

"Do I dare ask if you're ok?"

"I'm angry" his voice was normal.

The familiar ping of a notification came from Phichit's phone and Chris noticed that it was resting on the table. Glancing over his shoulder he saw his own phone on the counter.

"So… Whose phone is that?"

"Our neighbor's"

"You stole his phone?"

"I borrowed it" they might as well have been talking about the weather with how casually Phichit conversed.

"…Isn't it password protected?"

"I saw him enter it when I gave him my number"

Chris whistled.

"I asked him what he thought of Yuuri… I think I understand now what you meant by 'creep'. It is much more obvious when it isn't directed at you" he took long breaths in and out, obviously trying to keep level headed. Phichit offered him the phone and once it was out of his hands, he rested his head on them, staring at the distance.

Chris flinched at the sight in the screen and closed it instantly, rubbing his eyes. Viktor would have his head if he knew he saw that side of Yuuri. As for the photographer… They wouldn't find any part of his if the Russian got his hands on him.

That was a little more proof than he needed.

"I guess you would have been better off if I had just told you..." he sighed "Sorry. I wasn't expecting you to go that far… I hope these aren't anywhere online"

"Nah, he is a hoarder. I think he just likes to collect things for himself"

Had the heater broken down? Because the room's temperature had just dropped 10 degrees.

"You are… a little too calm about this…" Chris observed awkwardly.

Phichit finally faced him, with a smile that made his blood run cold "I am angry, Christophe"

Chris gulped and sat at the arm of the coach, staring at him "Well, I think we have enough incriminating proof to get him in jail" he swigged the phone between his fingers.

"And end Yuuri's life…" Phichit sighed and glared at the ceiling "Do you really think he was hitting on me?"

"Ok, I don't like where this conversation is going… Whatever it is you are thinking, stop thinking it"

Phichit grabbed the phone before Chris had time to react and jumped to his feet "I have to return this"

Chris put one of the couch's pillows over his face and screamed in frustration "Give me a moment! I'm in a robe…"

It took him less than two minutes to get dressed "This is the last time I share a room with you"

* * *

"Chris almost got disqualified" Yuuri notified him with a frown when Phichit showed up "Where were you?"

"Sorry, sorry! They are still in the warm up right?"

"Keep it down, Chulanont" that order came from Yuri.

"They have almost finished it, Chris will have to do his warm up off the ice"

Phichit whined and gripped at the edge of the rink, hanging on it miserably "Sorryyyy!"

Viktor chuckled, having just stepped off the ice "Don't worry about it, he still has time, no harm done"

"Where were you, anyway?" Yuuri repeated his first question.

"Ah, there was a little incident at the hotel and we were being questioned at the police station"

Three pairs of wide eyes stared at him.

"Well that ought to be interesting" Otabek's expression remained unchanged "What happened?"

"And how come you didn't tweet about it?" Yuri raised an eyebrow.

"It was nothing. Chris and I heard noises from our neighbor's room this morning and went to check. He was trying to hang himself, apparently. We got him down, but the police issued a drugs bust in his room for some reason once they arrived and found a number of illegal substances. He'll be facing trial, but we were just dragged in cause we found him"

"Wow" Viktor spoke after the dragged silence that followed Phichit's speech "What an exciting way for your day to start"

"I know, right!" Phichit beamed.

"A-Are you alright, though? That whole thing sounds terrifying!" Yuuri stammered, as the information sunk in.

"What thing?" Chris walked up to them, dripping with sweat.

"Phichit was recounting your little adventure to us" Viktor chimed.

"Oh that, yes… Well, I thought that guy was a bit of a creep"

Yuri snickered "Do you know how odd this sounds coming from you?"

"He was stalking Phichit" he pointed at the mention "Wasn't he tailing you, yesterday?"

"He was just sort of sitting there with me and Yuri's Angels…" the Thai boy shrugged "I don't know, I didn't really pay attention"

Chris rolled his eyes "I gotta prepare properly, excuse me"

"And I'm gonna find the Angels, bye!"

"Ah- Phichit! I'll come with you" Yuuri held tight onto the poodle tissue case as they walked. It was quiet until they found the excitable group of girls, which he still had no idea behind the purpose of them being there. Yuri wasn't even competing.

Yuuri and Phichit watched as the free skate started and during the first three appearances Yuuri didn't say a word. He kept fidgeting but words failed to construct the question that was burning him.

Viktor's turn was approaching, he had to hurry.

"Phichit…"

"Hm?"

"Um, Th-the person… Your neighbor… You said he was here, yesterday"

"Yes, but I doubt you saw him from that distance. It was a blond one, sitting right here" he gestured at the seat next to him "It doesn't really matter, they'll fly him to his country soon and it is not a very lenient one. Won't be seeing him again."

"Yeah…" Yuuri breathed out, feeling some tension leave his shoulders.

Phichit smiled to himself "You should go to Viktor. His turn is coming soon"

"Yeah…" Yuuri squeezed the tissue case to his chest "Thank you…"

* * *

Yuuri was in a daze on his way to the rink.

The night before, Viktor had had to shake him awake from a nightmare. It hadn't been the first time, but in this case his dream had featured Phichit in his position. After his panic attack he hadn't been in state to think of it, but now it occurred that he had been sitting with that man and could be in danger.

Viktor let him message Phichit, regardless the time, and just warned him that his friend would probably be asleep and wouldn't see it so not to worry too much in case he didn't receive a reply.

To both their surprise, Phichit had in fact texted back, saying he was busy at the moment. The couple had traded a glance blushing and Yuuri only send an embarrassed second message apologizing for the disturbance and asking Phichit to take care of himself.

He was going to give a more proper warning today but his plan had been blown away by the news.

He couldn't even comprehend how things worked out this way, but that person was now away from him and everyone he held dear.

A weight lifted from his shoulders.

One of the burdens Yuuri had to carry when he looked past his denial and thought of what had actually happened was that he had let a monster roaming free. But now it was caged and it wouldn't ruin anyone else. It would have been nice if the memories were locked away with the creator, but it's ok, he couldn't have everything.

Music was coming from the rink and in the first note Yuuri ran like the devil was chasing him.

"I'm gonna murder you!" Yuri shouted as Yuuri stopped by his side. Viktor was already through the first minute of his program.

"Is he doing ok?" he asked desperately. He wanted to call out to him but couldn't risk breaking his concentration.

"Could be doing better. OI VIKTOR!" on his next turn Viktor glanced their way very briefly.

As far as Yuuri could tell, he was executing his program perfectly and was applauded by the end but when he skated their way with his gaze was cast downwards and his shoulders slumbered. Yuuri's apology was interrupted before it left his lips by the broken look he received.

"Yuuri, this isn't your fault"

* * *

 **PLACE 1 - 6: QUALIFIED FOR ISU GRAND PRIX OF FIGURE SKATING FINAL 2016 - MEN**

1- RUS -Yuuri Plisetsky

2- JPN- Yuuri Katsuki

3- CAN- Jean-Jacques Leroy

4- KAZ- Otabek Altin

5- RUS- Viktor Nikiforov

6- CHE- Christophe Giacometti

* * *

"I didn't expect you to be a sore loser, Viktor"

"Don't make us regret inviting you, punk. The Finals are still ahead so enjoy your stand on this podium, because you won't be touching that" Yuri declared, pointing at JJ threateningly with his chopsticks.

"You do realize I was perfectly able to hear you throwing a tantrum when they invited me, right?" JJ hit Yuri's chopsticks with his own, like a tiny swordfight, and the younger tossed them away, asking for a clean set.

"Concerning the free program, for what is worth, Viktor only made a few mistakes at the beginning. I am surprised Christophe even made it to the finals" Isabella, having finished her own food, had leaned her head on JJ's shoulder, resting her hands on her rounded belly.

Chris on the other hand had laid his head on the table (which had caused Yuri, Viktor and JJ to call him out on his manners and Otabek to offer him the napkins as a headrest) and was blinking away the sleep that was inviting him.

"I was saved by the short program, really… But give me a break; I did a fantastic job considering I had pulled an all-nighter"

"That's true, I suppose, but that's your own fault. You're no new in this, you know you can't go to a competition without rest" Viktor gave him a stern look.

"I am sorry!" Phichit exclaimed guiltily "That was my fault. I kept him up all night"

Chris grunted and tugged on his own hair, rolling his face on the table. He didn't have to look up to guess what sort of expressions were going on around the table, the silence surrounding him spoke for itself. Even under these circumstances, he could bet Phichit still had no idea how misleading his words were.

"How did you keep him up?"

"OTABEK!" echoed the whole table.

Phichit was baffled by the outburst "We… marathoned a series…? Are you guys alright?" everyone was just staring at him.

Isabella leaned over to where Yuuri was sitting and whispered skeptically "Is he really this clueless?"

Yuuri gave her a shy smile and shrugged "He has his moments of enlightenment"

JJ decided to bring the group back to a more table appropriate conversation "So, what are your plans? We're flying to Marseille tomorrow"

"Same" Chris's reply was muffled by the table.

"We'll be visiting Yuuri's family for his birthday"

* * *

 **Sarah**

 _'Thank you for uploading the video~'_

 **FieryAngel7121**

 _'I guess the season off didn't work very well for him after all'_

- **2videoDance:** _'+1'_

- **Eliza96:** _'I think he did pretty well'_

- **TemXi:** _'+1. This whole season, Nikiforov has been dragging himself. I don't get why he returned on the ice if he had nothing else to give. It feels like he isn't even trying'_

- **NCMRTS:** _'HE DID FINE! HE'S IN THE FINALS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?'_

 **Saitama Dude**

 _'He is still one graceful motherfucker'_

- **Kpop Dude** : _'Not really. Not anymore'_

 **Caget Drey**

 _'What is the name of the song?'_

 **The crystal skull has spoken**

 _'Did you see how well he went when Katsuki Yuuri appeared?! They love each other so much, it's so freaking cute!'_

- **soguam:** _'Crystal skull, I think that's the problem'_

- **Kam Prula:** _'I have to agree with soguam. It seems to me Viktor is just giving Yuuri the lead'_

- **Rikka Izumi:** _'You are both bull-shitting. I don't know if you have been watching the event from the start, but Yuuri has been doing great! He doesn't need Viktor to sabotage himself to be on top'_

- **MediocreCabbie:** _'No, he needs his boyfriend, Plisetsky AND JJ to sabotage themselves for him to be on top! And even then we can't be sure he won't go down on a landslide'_

- **Jonas:** _'+1 Cabbie. He gets it'_

 **Mikato Ukata**

 _'Oh no I'm gay'_

- **person with something:** _'Same'_

- **Tsoy Kristy:** _'So is he'_

 **Elizachan**

 _'The whole coach/competitor role was controversial from the beginning and now it is obvious that it has been holding him back. Ice skaters work hard as it is but he had to try going the extra mile and it is ruining him'_

"Yuuri" Yuuri startled as a hand settled on his shoulder "What have I told you?"

"You've told me many things, Viktor" he sighed.

"Never read the comments" Viktor snatched the phone away, and replaced it with a bowl of fresh Katsudon "Especially if you want to avoid spoilers OR you are a celebrity"

The Russian sat beside him on the floor and Makkachin grabbed the chance to settle on his knees. Viktor used his head as a table, balancing his tea cup on it and tossed the mobile phone on the bed. Yuuri stared at his bowl silently, slightly hunching.

"The others are in the spring?" he mumbled after a while.

"Yurio and Phichit are. Otabek is in his room, recovering from vomiting all that sake... Yura did warn him not to take on your sister's challenge"

Yuuri snickered weakly "…Why don't you go join them?"

"We can go together, after you have eaten the food a very worried mom prepared for you" Makkachin had rolled on his back, tongue hanging on the side as Viktor rubbed his belly.

"I am pretty tired from the trip and the birthday party. I'm gonna sleep, you should go"

Viktor pouted "Are you that disappointed in me that you're shooing me away?"

Yuuri set the bowl aside and crawled close. Gently he caressed Viktor's face, which instantly leaned into his touch "Viktor, I am never disappointed in you…"

A small sigh left Viktor's lips and he laid a small kiss on Yuuri's palm. Both of the younger's hands came to cradle his head and he leaned into a kiss. It held on for some time. When Yuuri broke it off, he bumped their foreheads together softly.

"Go have fun with the others. I'll just rest"

Victor gazed at him for a while and sighed once more "As you wish…" he kissed Yuuri's hand and gave it a squeeze before leaving the room.

Yuuri's eyes followed him until the door slid closed.

Everything after the NHK Trophy had felt like a blur to Yuuri. Someone, most likely Yuri, had tried to explain him that Viktor had fallen out of his music due to being distracted and had cut a quad to half. It hadn't been disastrous and the SP score had helped a lot to keep him in the finals, but with everyone waiting for him to make a mistake, it had been a treat.

Yuuri had lost count on how many times he had apologized and he couldn't do it anymore because Viktor asked him not to, insisting that it had been his own fault. Yuri for some reason hadn't blamed him either and Yuuri suspected that it was under Viktor's request, or the young just knew that Yuuri would already get the backlash of it from others. Not that it wasn't warranted, he had screwed up big time.

Things hadn't gotten better in the feast or at home. It had all felt unreal and it still did.

He had been welcomed by his family yet he only brought misery in the house. His mom had reassured Viktor that she was proud of him no matter what when he had apologized for not being the top in Japan and his father had laughed that Viktor would apologize for such a thing. Mari had told them that one of them better take gold in the finals, because she had a bet running with Minako.

One of them had come to embrace him out of nowhere at some point, catching him off guard and he had recoiled pushing them away. He briefly recalled Viktor giving an apology to them as Yuuri clung to him. After that Viktor kept him close, giving him a sense of security and the others kept to a distance, even though they looked hurt by his behavior.

The Nishigori family had showed up to celebrate his birthday and Yuuri had had to change rooms to escape the noise that had been amplified with the triplets there. All three had individually come to say sorry afterwards, and Yuuri didn't know why they would do such a thing. They had been adorable like always, the problem was he.

When he had returned the night had proceeded well. Some of the interactions had been fun to watch. Phichit was all but officially adopted by his parents, Yurio and Otabek had been talking about skating, watching part of the Grand Prix with Mari and Yuko in a laptop and Makkachin had been having the time of his life with the rest of the Nishigori petting and playing with him.

Viktor had had just stayed there by his side, smiling all the way through.

Yuuri retreated to his room when Yuko and her family left.

Now he wondered if the room had always been this small.

In their practices Yuuri hadn't been able to tell if Viktor was getting better because to him he was already perfect. If there were mistakes he hadn't seen them. When he checked the video they were there and it had to be his fault, because that was their first appearance. Viktor was still the same, beautiful and talented; the only variable that was different was Yuuri.

If he hadn't been late, if he hadn't kept waking Viktor up, if he hadn't required so much attention, if he hadn't distracted him by whining, if he didn't cause so much trouble by not keeping himself in line, if he had been stronger to not show he was not ok, if he had been smarter to not let any of this happen to begin with no one would be saying these things for Viktor right now.

 _Viktor_

Yuuri forced the knot down his throat and saw the room starting to swing. He was hyperventilating, or at least starting to. With a low whimper he jumped to his feet and started shuffling through his bag for the box of sedatives that had been helping him sleep the last few days. They were mild ones so he hadn't needed a doctor's prescription and he could take them every once in a while if his nerves got out of control.

Maybe he would need two this time, because it had been a long day. Or maybe three and he could just go to bed like he had told Viktor… Or he could take them all and stop causing troubles for the people around him.

His friends were hurting because of him, his family too and of course Viktor.

Would they miss that much if he was out of the picture?

A breathy gasp left his lips when a strong grip around his wrist snapped him into reality. He was honestly amazed to discover the contents of the bottle had spilled in his hand and… How peculiar, when did they get so close to his lips, anyway?

Then there was the hold on his wrist that was strong but unstable, with something gold glimmering around one of the fingers.

"V-Viktor…" his stuttering was bearably audible "I-I wasn't-… It's not what-... I wasn't going to…"

No reply.

Yuuri shakily turned. Viktor wasn't looking at him, he couldn't even see his eyes with the posture he had.

"Viktor…?" he dared again when the unresponsiveness was too much to take. This time he did get an answer.

"Put them away please"

Yuuri's whole face was burning in shame as he hurried to comply at the whispered plead. Viktor's hand released his, only when the pills were back in the container and it waited outstretched until it received the bottle, then it wrapped around its owner. Yuuri bit his lips when he noticed his other hand was gripping on the silver locks strong enough to turn the knuckles white. He didn't dare say a word or even move, watching Viktor maintain this pose as the minutes stretched by.

The only sound in the room was Viktor's breaths. Loud, shaky and dragged on, like the ones Yurio had to take every time he was forced to count to ten and swallow an outburst. That was probably what Viktor was trying to do too. He was trembling.

 _Please say something…_

"Viktor…"

 _Yell at me!_

"Viktor, I'm so-"

" **Don't."**

He still wouldn't look at him.

 _Hit me if you want! I don't care, just please!_

"You are still so selfish…" he sounded like he had suddenly aged.

Yuuri could feel tears gather and he refused to let them fall. He had done enough already, he didn't have the right to do any more.

After what felt like eternity Viktor made to grab his hand again, but his hand just hovered and closed.

Another deep breath "Come with me" their eyes still had yet to meet.

Yuuri wouldn't dream of protesting and followed Viktor's lead, trailing behind him.

Viktor poked his head in the living room "Mama, Papa" Yuuri could hear his public face smile in this tone "Yuuri and I will head out for a bit"

"Ok, Vik-chan! Be careful" his mother replied from inside.

"Hai hai. Oyasumi" he grinned and closed the screen door once more, dropping the attitude with it.

By the door, Viktor put on his shoes and coat and Yuuri followed his suit without questions.

It was a really cold night. There should be snow soon. Their walk was quiet.

It didn't take long for Yuuri to realize where they were heading. It made the silence more bearable. He had taken this route so many times in his life, especially in days as gloomy as this after all. The Ice Castle could be considered his home as much as Yu-topia... Maybe even more.

When they stepped their feet inside, his Castle gave him some courage to speak once more.

"What are we doing here?"

Victor was picking a pair of ice skates, stubbornly refusing to meet Yuuri's eyes "I'm gonna show you my skills are exactly what they used to be"

"You don't have to, I already know" Yuuri moved to take a pair himself but Viktor cut his way.

"You are staying off the ice" he passed by him and walked into the rink, closing its door. Yuuri lingered at the side in confusion but never lost him from sight.

Victor had stopped at the opposite side, looking at his phone. He balanced it on the little table that usually held the CD player and skated at the center of the ice.

Yuuri held his breath.

Stay Close to Me started playing and Viktor fell into its routine.

It was the single version instead of the duet, the one that had brought Viktor to him.

It had been such a long time since Yuuri had heard it…

Viktor's moves were so familiar. Yuuri knew every step by heart and right now his heart was racing with anticipation, eyes following Viktor's movements like he was hypnotized.

The music continued and Yuuri was reminded by how lonely this dance was.

His body moved forward on its own volition to go to Viktor, the part at which they always met was coming.

He just bumped on the divider and there were no skates on his feet. He wouldn't be there to meet him.

Yuuri's breathe halted at the sound of Viktor's skate landing on the ice. That was his cue.

Viktor's lonely figure continued to move across the ice gracefully.

 _I can't go…_

Viktor was spinning in place and Yuuri's felt like someone was stabbing him right through the chest.

 _I can't go to him…_

He was sliding across the ice and there is no second figure mirroring his moves.

This time Yuuri didn't hold back the tears, he allowed them to fall because there shouldn't have been so much sorrow in those movements. That figure that was born to be on the ice was never supposed to look so lost on it.

The music came to a close and Viktor's eyes finally met his own and there are tears streaming down his face too. He looked so vulnerable…

Yuuri and Viktor had been a couple for about a year. They had seen so many sides of each other, good and bad, public and personal.

Yet this was the first time Yuuri had ever seen Viktor look so exposed. He had just displayed his emotions in the rawest state he could. He had laid them at Yuuri's feet all in the hope that he could understand what he couldn't possibly put in words.

The door of the rink creaked as Yuuri pulled it open. He waited and Viktor approached.

Time stood still with them gazing at one another and they were both still crying.

Yuuri cracked into violent sobs and launched his arms around Viktor who held on him tight. They landed on the ice and cradled each other, staying in this position until they had let out all the pain.

* * *

Yuuri apologized again and again for more than one thing.

Viktor let him.

Viktor asked once again if Yuuri was ok and then he listened. He held onto his hand all the way through, tightening it to let him know he was there for him each time he drifted off.

When Yuuri couldn't say something Viktor helped him. If it became unbearable he let it go for Yuuri's sake.

Viktor tried his best to ease Yuuri's fears, shame and guilt. At some things he succeeded.

Yuuri refused when Viktor offers to seek for professional help they could attend together.

Viktor didn't persist but told him that if he saw signs that he was going to lose Yuuri again he wouldn't risk it.

Yuuri agreed.

When they were leaving the house for the finals Yuuri embraced Phichit -who would stay at Yu-topia- and each member of his family. Some of them felt more comfortable than others and it felt almost alienating to let them so close again. But he also realized how much he had missed it and their affection was sincere.

He still had a long way to go but that had been a step forward.

* * *

"Do you want to cut it?"

Yuuri looked up at Viktor, cringing strongly.

GPF was starting and they were both preparing. Viktor had taken it on himself to stylize Yuuri's hair. It had worked great in the past, but after the incident, any touch there felt wrong.

"I thought you liked it long" Yuuri had been holding too hard not to flinch away and he was pretty annoyed that Viktor would stop midway instead of just getting done with it.

"I like your hair however, Yuuri" Viktor grinned "But since it has been giving you such a hard time, we can chop it off"

"One hour before my appearance!? Couldn't you have come up with this idea a little earlier?" he groaned and snapped his head away from the touch.

Viktor's spirits remained high "It is all about surprising audiences. I cut my hair before a big event too! Yakov was pissed and I have to thank Celestino for fixing it at the last minute, because I hadn't done such a good job"

"And you want me to let you do my hair!?"

"It was just the back that I couldn't see that was a little off! The rest was fine"

"I don't know, Viktor…" he stared at his lover suspiciously.

"Yuuri. I am your coach and your presentation is very important to me. You can trust me"

"…Ok… But I'm gonna take legal claim on Makkachin if you ruin me"

Viktor hummed in amusement and Yuuri gritted his teeth, trying to keep still as Viktor worked.

"There, back to its old glory"

"Oh god…" Yuuri shuddered as he headed to the bathroom to see the damage.

His hair was back to the length it had when Viktor first burst into his life.

Yuuri stared himself in the mirror in wonder. He turned his head to check all angles and it looked fine… It was pretty silly to think of that, but his reflection felt like it was him again.

A hand came and ruffled through his hair and Yuuri could feel the short stands bounce around with the movement. It was… Nice.

"Better?"

"Yeah…" he gave Viktor a loving smile "Thank you…"

"You're welcome"

* * *

It had been Yakov's idea for him to get a dog. Viktor hadn't been certain why. He didn't even have time to care for an animal, what had his coach been thinking?

He had said that Viktor had looked like he had needed it.

Yakov had dropped him at the shelter and had waited for him to pick his dog. The young hadn't been much more encouraged by the sight of all these caged animals.

The lady that had guided him around had asked him if he had any preference and Viktor had said the first breed that had come to his mind. This had been a rescue center anyway, it was unlikely they would have purebreds. The woman had frowned, telling him that they did actually have one but it wasn't very agreeable with humans. That had actually irked some interest out of him.

The little poodle had growled and gone further back in the corner, watching them wearily when they had approached its cage. Viktor had been told that it would most likely die there, since it either bit whoever touched it or started crying.

He had decided to give it a shot. It wasn't like he had been facing much of a challenge anywhere else lately anyway.

Twice a week he would visit the shelter and he had been so amused that Yakov might had regretted his idea. He never said so though.

At first the poodle would growl. In the third week it didn't and Viktor had tried to win its affection with treats. He had ended up with his finger bitten but it hadn't affected his determination.

On the fifth week the poodle had allowed him to touch it. Just for a little. Then it had hidden away whimpering but its hostility had decreased. Three weeks later Viktor had been allowed to take him home.

Little by little the dog had grown to trust him. Sometimes Viktor had felt a little betrayed when it wouldn't accept his affection while he was treating it so well but he had decided to be patient.

After a year together, Makkachin had turned bouncy and excitable, accepting his love and trusting other people.

Viktor decided to share this story with Yuuri a night he had to sooth him after a nightmare.

Yuuri had laughed and teased him for comparing him to Makkachin.

Viktor had smiled "Yuuri" he had said "I'm a stubborn person and I am not used to giving up on things that I think deserve my time. No matter how hard"

 _I made my choice a long time ago and I'm never gonna leave you_

* * *

Viktor had had a bad feeling all day.

It had kept distracting him and it had been pissing Yakov off cause he hadn't been concentrated. It hadn't helped at all that he had found the house empty when he returned and Yuuri's text hadn't made him feel much better.

He had dismissed it until he had met Yuuri the next day, and had known instantly that something was wrong. It had taken him two and a half days connect the pieces and he hadn't been satisfied with what they were telling him but denial wouldn't have helped Yuuri.

There was a list of mental notes forming in his mind on what Yuuri couldn't stand anymore and had stopped playing with his hair and would let Yuuri start most of their affectionate exchanges.

Yuuri had been drifting away and Viktor had stayed alert.

The timing had been bad with the GP ongoing and among his training sessions he sometimes had been forced to leave Yuuri on his own. He had dredged these moments.

Dark thoughts swarm you in alone times like sharks to blood and Viktor had known how bad it could get. If he hadn't met Yuuri, he would have probably given in to them. They had been flirting with him for years.

Now he could at least put them in some good use, using the knowledge they had provided to read Yuuri.

More than once Viktor had seen him slip away and each time he had held on tighter, trying to get him to hold back.

* * *

Yuri had found out at some point and Viktor suspected Otabek had something to do with that. He never mentioned it, but Viktor had been able to tell by the way the blond was looking at Yuuri every time the other wasn't looking.

Viktor would have preferred to have spared him the knowledge, but he had to admit that he was more at ease when Yuri was there for Yuuri at times he couldn't be.

Viktor had had to hold back from asking Chris straight away 'how did you know?' when they had met in NHK.

He never got around into doing it.

A very hesitant Isabella had approached him to let him know about Yuuri's panic attack and Viktor had thanked her. Later he had argued with Yuri for not being informed.

The next day Viktor couldn't see Yuuri anywhere before his free skate and feared he might be having another incident somewhere on his own and missed the start of his song. In his attempt to fix his mistake he had missed some more points.

He had mentally beaten himself, begging to whatever Gods excited that Yuuri wouldn't blame himself for his mistake. When he had stepped out of the ice he had been shaking, feeling as if he had just shot Yuuri with his own hands. All he had wanted to do was keep him safe.

JJ had teased him for looking so solemn and how could Viktor explain the crime he had committed?

Yuri and he argued again that night. This time it had been Yuri doing the yelling, blaming him for putting guilt on Yuuri when he had specifically warned him not to do so himself. Viktor had said nothing to defend himself.

That night someone had been crying from nightmares in his bed and it hadn't been Yuuri.

Viktor had seen the nightmares threatening to come true soon later when Yuuri was shooing him from the room and he hadn't let them.

That night he had given all he had in the fear of losing everything he held dear.

* * *

"Yuuri"

"I won't take my eyes off you" the eyes of his beloved sparked as he held on his hand.

Viktor beamed and nuzzled to him "That's all I need"

The music started and so did his short program.

 _Yuuri_

 _They were right. I haven't been giving it my all. My motivation in competition was renewed thanks to you, but I have just been playing around. Giving just what I needed to get here, so I could face you and Yurio._

 _The two people that mean the world to me._

The crowd was cheering.

 _I had been hoping to face you two earlier, but I am glad to be here right._

 _After everything that's happened, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do when I would come here._

 _It was a pretty dump thought and you would be so offended if I told you that for one second I might had thought of going easy on you._

 _Yuuri._

The narrator was excitedly screaming about something.

 _I never cared about what they said about me, but I understand now the pressure you felt last year. You wanted to protect me and I want to protect you now and always._

 _I hope everyone's watching._

 _I told you, you deserve the best and I will give nothing less._

 _Yuuri_

 _This is the first time in my life I have someone in my life to share this with._

 _I've dreamt of this._

 _Yuuri_

 _Thank you._

 **MEN, FINAL RESULTS**

1- RUS- Viktor Nikiforov – 321.69

2- JPN- Yuuri Katsuki- 320.41

3- RUS- Yuri Plisetsky -320.39

4- CAN- Jean-Jacques Leroy - 302.57

5- CHE- Christophe Giacometti - 298.56

6- KAZ- Otabek Altin- 295.40

 **~FIN~**

* * *

 **Afterword~**

"… I guess I am stuck on silver…"  
"You owe me five gold medals, Yuuri. I guess I'll stick around to wait for them"

No, but really. Yuuri was very touched by Viktor's victory. Especially since he dedicated it to him. He might get gold next year.  
It is like five in the morning by the time I finish this, and I have been writing all day, I am very tired. Please excuse me if it gets tiring at the end…

Here is a scene I cut off out of my utter respect for the nice people who read this, to forgive me:

"Yuuri… Please… Don't go where I can't follow"  
"…That's Lord of The Rings, you just quoted Lord of the Rings"  
"You're my precious, Yuuri"  
"Jesus Christ"

God I am so sleepy. Please forgive me.


End file.
